Once upon a time there was a little girl, the fourth of six children, born to a pastor and his wife, a stay-at-home mom and church musician turned transcriptionist when her last child went to kindergarten. Stubborn and bright, this little girl excelled at many things: music, art, school work, and even sword drills at Vacation Bible School. She was well loved and cared for, though sometimes misunderstood and found to be exasperating. Though not overt and probably not even intended, there was an air of legalism and pride in the home.

College was a new beginning – a chance to be who she always wanted to be, to prove to the world that she was not only talented and intelligent, but attractive and worthy. Despite growing up in a Christian home (or even possibly because of it), she believed that other people deserved grace since they didn’t know any better. But as she had grown up knowing right and wrong from the beginning, she felt as if grace wouldn’t cover her.

She met a young man who grew from being a friend and musical collaborator to boyfriend, fiance, and husband. He stayed committed to the relationship in spite of her extremism, moodiness, and strong personality. Most of her life, she had dreamed of finding a husband, building a life and home together, and becoming a mom. And always, there was striving to prove to the world that she fit, was good enough, and could show them how to be good enough too. She believed in grace, but she didn’t understand it.

Five years into marriage, they bought their first house and gave birth to their first child, a boy, equally stubborn as his mom, and precious. Three years later, enter twin baby girls, both blonde and blue-eyed like their big brother, neither carrying on the dark eyes and dark hair of their mom. What a busy time for this little family. There was much love and fun, along with striving to “do it right.”

Toddlerhood and preschool quickly changed to elementary school, Little League baseball, piano lessons, dance class, soccer, skateboarding, orchestra, band, and Sunday school and church camp. The family enjoyed games, yummy food and fun in the kitchen, reading story books, and spending time weekly in church. Always desiring to be a good mom, but equally desiring for people to see her as a good mom, the young mother struggled to teach her kids grace and compassion instead of legalism and judgement.

Following a cross-country move relocating to a warmer clime to address the feeling that, “Everything was fine, but nothing was as it should be,” the family left their comfort zone to seek the core of faith and life. The move proved to be good in many ways, but it was hard for the mom to find her place of belonging. Though always a stay-at-home mom, her identity and means of contributing to the family’s bottom line were met through playing the piano. This was definitely a source of joy and pride, but also continued striving to prove that she was good enough, and maybe even better than the next.

The family found a church whose pastor helped the mom begin to learn that grace is not only meant for saving, but for living each day. She began to learn that there was nothing intrinsically wrong with who she was, and that God loved her no matter what. She didn’t need to live up to anything to prove to him that she deserved grace. Unfortunately, this was a lesson long in coming, and much damage was done to relationships between the mom and dad, and the mom and her kids, while the mom continued to learn. And habits and attitudes and feelings are hard to change.

Today, that original little girl has grown up, and there is growth and healing in her relationship with her husband of nearly 28 years. The little boy who was their first child, is a talented, responsible, unique 21 year old living on his own and doing his own growing and learning alongside of a wonderful young woman who is a big part of his life. The twin baby girls are off at college as freshmen this year. Both have identified as transgender, one almost five years ago, the other just this year, and both have adopted male names. There is much pride in the independence and life learning they are doing. Both are intelligent, funny, insightful, and a gift to the world.

There is both joy and pain in this life stage. Seeing her children branching out on their own with their own successes and failures brings pride and knowledge of at least a small amount of successful parenting. Watching them make choices with which she doesn’t agree causes pain and questioning. God is ever-present, and the need for his grace and peace is increased. There has never been so much growing.

The now not-so-young mom is inviting you on her journey this next year, as she explores topics of faith, family, and forgiveness. She is trying to understand transgenderism from many perspectives: scientifically, theologically, relationally, psychologically, medically, historically, and personally. She hopes to find the extreme middle where all the truth she can unearth comes together with new insight and understanding. Grace and peace to you!