In this strange process of watching my children grow and change, I wish for resilience.

To be resilient – able to withstand or recover quickly from difficult conditions – or – able to spring back into shape after bending, stretching, or being compressed.

It doesn’t come naturally, especially in the moment of change.

I picture a tree growing by the water, bent and bowed and quirky-looking, but still growing and thriving, still providing comfort and shade to those in need.

That’s what I wish I were like.

I want to be able to remove my own needs and desires from the mix, so I can handle theirs and absorb their stresses and hurts. But so far that’s not how things have happened.

Maybe I’m becoming resilient over time, just like the tree. Maybe the first storm that rocked its branches about toppled it over. But that storm passed and the little tree still stood. When another one came, it bent and tipped, but its roots had grown just a little stronger. After many such gales through which the tree remained standing, it became weathered and crooked, but strong and hardy, too.

Maybe I can become strong and hardy like the weathered little tree. I was still so insecure in my own position of grace five years ago when our first sweet twin wrote us a letter expressing their identification as transgender that I was blown nearly over. I didn’t understand, and I was unprepared. I searched high and low for resources and pleaded with God for him to remove this unwanted burden. Many months passed with strife and conflict. But it mellowed and settled. I had weathered that initial storm. We had survived.

Five years later and there have been many tempestuous moments. Some of them I’ve been able to handle almost gracefully, and others have been downright destructive. But I’m still here and have learned so much. More questions have come than answers, but learning can be as slow as becoming resilient.

Some things I’ve learned along the way:

• You can do almost anything if you need to, but you don’t get the grace to do so until you actually need to. You can’t store it up in advance.
• Today is usually a pretty good day. It’s looking to tomorrow and the next day and the next day that throws me into turmoil.
• Asking questions would be a good thing to learn rather than always explaining my thoughts and point of view.
• I love my kids more than ever, no matter what. Gives me a little more perspective on how much God must love us.

I’m a thinker and a doer. I’m opinionated and always have lots of words. These things are not bad qualities, but they have contributed to me handling things poorly with my children. So as we move into the future, I’m hoping to become so full of grace and peace that I can absorb their hurts and difficulties, rather than inflict them. I desire to get outside of myself and my needs, and have perspective beyond me that allows me to support and nurture them. The reality is that I will still sway in the wind and might bend and twist. But my prayer is that I will not break, and that I will be present to provide comfort and shade to those in need, especially those who are closest to me.