Tacit

Implied, inferred, understood without being expressly stated.

Tacit refers to something done or made in silence, as in a tacit agreement.

A tacit understanding is manifested by the fact that no contradiction or objection is made and is thus inferred from the situation and the circumstances.

When my twins come home for a break or a weekend, we don’t talk about gender. We hang out doing all the things we used to do – play games, make food, watch shows on Netflix. We talk about college classes, finances, jobs, and apartments. We hug goodnight and say I love you.

Talking on the phone, we don’t speak about gender. We communicate about car repairs, doctor’s appointments, and plane tickets. We engage in funny and interesting stories about goats, roommates, and cooking.

In our family group chat, we don’t address gender. We share cute cat videos, give advice about apartment hunting, and talk about the weather.

It almost feels like life is normal. And then I begin to wonder, if we never discuss gender, never talk about the topic and our concerns, does it begin to seem like we approve? Does it seem like we just needed time to come around, and now everything is fine? Through our silence, do we tacitly approve?

And honestly, what if that’s what they think? Would that be the worst thing in the world? The most important thing I want them to know is that they are loved and have a safe place to come when life is hard; and life will be hard, no matter what choices they make.

It is true that I don’t approve, but either they already know that through their past experiences with me, or they think I’ve been changing my perspective. Either way, my relationship with them won’t become more open if I focus on disapproval. If instead, I give them room to learn on their own, I might gain the opportunity to give some different perspective. Or I might not, even if I patiently wait for years to come. Who knows? But I can’t know if I don’t try.

I also wonder about me. If I just accept them as they are and enjoy my relationship with them without focusing on lowered voices, unfamiliar names, and masculinized features, will I eventually decide that I do tacitly approve?

It’s tiring to maintain internal conflict. Sometimes I actually feel okay, and then my brain does this thing where it reopens issues seemingly on purpose. It says, “Aren’t you still sad? Don’t you miss having photos up around the house? How can you be okay?” I feel guilty for not being upset.

Tacit has a homonym that comes from the same Latin root (tacere) and means almost the same thing. It’s the musical term, tacet, meaning “is silent.” Often in music the term tacet is used alongside a number which indicates for how many repetitions one should be silent. So basically, you have something to sing or play at that time, but on a certain number of repetitions, you are to be silent, or in my words, wait your turn.

Tacet approval – I prefer to use this term for my silent approval of my kids. I’ll wait my turn to speak. I’ll sit out the appropriate number of repetitions and be silent. Sometimes I think it’s almost my turn, and I’ll begin to plan to ask a question or make a statement, and then I’m reminded to be silent. Just wait your turn.

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We all need to feel approved, affirmed, and accepted. We need this even if we’re unsure of our next step, our path is obscured, and our journey incomplete. Some years ago, more than ten I’m sure, I attended some women’s event where they gave you a blank piece of paper and had you write yourself a letter as if Jesus were speaking to you. It was to be an affirmation of your value and worth. Below is the letter I wrote to myself which I recently unearthed when cleaning out a piece of furniture we were getting ready to donate. All of us – me, my children, you, everyone – need to hear affirming words on this messy road of life. And I needed to be reminded that already years ago, I was being challenged to live a life of grace.

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My precious child, I want you to know that I like you. I made you just how I wanted you to be. When you hurt, so do I. I know you and understand you. You can trust me. I don’t think you’re silly or over the top. I know your heart, and I know you’re growing. Thank you for not giving up on me or on yourself. I have the power you need and more grace than you can ever imagine. Take as much as you need, there’s always more. And when you’re full, you’ll have so much to give away. Love your kids like I love you. Let grace be your mark and how others recognize you. You are a beautiful, strong woman, but I know you are vulnerable and soft, too. I love that about you. Believe in yourself, because I believe in you. I love you.