When the kids were little, I told them I wouldn’t play What If. I refused to participate when they didn’t want me to leave at bedtime and they would say, “Mom, what if I’m bleeding?” or, “Mom, what if I throw up?” I told them that if any of those things happened, we would deal with them at that time.

Sometimes these days I find myself playing What If. What if I hadn’t struggled with my own self-image and put pressure on my kids to perform to make me look and feel good? What if I had reacted calmly and was more flexible? What if we hadn’t allowed our twins to have internet access on their tablet computers in 8th grade? Unfortunately, those what ifs do not have much benefit. They contribute to regret and wallowing.

I think there is a possible benefit to playing What If sometimes. When we play What If in regards to things still to come that we have some power to affect, it could have some benefit. For instance, what if we learn to teach our children more about the value of gender and sexuality when they’re young and impressionable? What if we teach our children to be more accepting of differences? What if we as parents grow in affirming our kids, in part by learning how to affirm ourselves? What if we attempt to change society by changing the culture within our churches? What if we promote questions more and rules less? What if we do a better job at explaining how amazing God is and the value of knowing him and walking with him rather than focusing on behavior and consequences?

I understand that training our children to be obedient and follow instructions is vital especially when they are very small. They cannot yet comprehend the depths of God’s love (can I?) or the sometimes dire consequences of their actions. They need to learn to trust us to instruct them wisely. But progressively I think we need to engage them in learning to think critically, in asking them questions and encouraging them to have their own questions, and in trusting God ourselves that if he is truly the truth and good news, he will speak to their hearts and draw them close. I do believe God allows us to choose how close he can come, but I’m pretty sure he stays close enough to be present at a moment’s notice. And he’s just waiting for that moment. I even think he acts preveniently (in anticipation, in advance; beforehand, previously).

I’m not sure how to effect these changes. I do know that I’m trying to change my interactions with my own children to ask more questions and to really just be there when they need me. I’ve invited them on this journey of blogging with me as well, though I don’t know whether they’ll choose to read. But if they do, I hope what they hear is an overwhelming dose of how much they are loved, and in that love that I want to find the best answers to their questions and pain. But I do not stand against them.

I stand against untruth. I stand against incomplete truth. I stand against the idea that accepting someone unconditionally means accepting their choices unconditionally. This issue is tough because it’s about identity. So if I don’t accept your choice about identity, it probably feels like I don’t accept you. I don’t really know how to negotiate that. I can only do my best and hope that the holy spirit will continue to grow the fruit of the spirit in me and help me be filled so I can overflow to fill them.

What if we can bring the kingdom of God here on earth? What if that’s what we’re called to do as followers of Jesus? How does that look as we raise our children? What if….