“Sometimes, all you need is someone who will listen. It is fortune enough to have people around who hear you & not judge you.”

― Tara Estacaan, Internet blogger, poet, artist

I had the most wonderful flight recently. Usually I don’t prefer to chat with my fellow passengers when I fly, but this was the last of three flights in one day to get me home from a solo trip to visit my parents, and I was ready for some conversation.

I was fortunate enough to get a window seat near the front of the plane. It wasn’t long before the aisle seat in my row was also occupied by a middle-aged woman. As the plane continued to fill up, passengers began eyeing the middle seats in rows at the front, knowing that they would be unlikely to find an open aisle or window seat remaining vacant. After assessing that the two of us already there seemed like a safe option, a tall, slim woman with red hair in a pixie cut who was wearing a work polo shirt and khakis asked if the middle seat was taken.

She got situated in her spot and pulled out a copy of a Harry Potter volume as she tucked her carry-on under the seat in front of her. I briefly thought to myself, “Should I greet her and make a little small talk?” or “Should I look out the window and just keep to myself?” She seemed like a strong and interesting woman, and with the Harry Potter book in hand and the aviation logo on her polo, I decided to reach out and give it a try. That led to a two-hour dialogue, an exchange of business cards, and a hug as we deplaned.

Midway through our discussion, the topic turned to our children. Sometimes it’s easiest to avoid the topic of gender when talking about my twins, so I often mention that I have a 22-year-old son living away from home, and almost 19-year-old twins who attend college, one out-of-state and one in-state just a couple of hours away. Sometimes, people don’t ask whether the twins are boys or girls, and sometimes they do. This time, she asked.

I took a moment to consider what to say. This woman would never likely meet my children, so I could say they were my daughters, or I could say they were sons. But after looking her in the eyes, and seeing her genuine interest and curiosity, I decided to just be honest. I told her I had twin daughters who both identify as males and were attending college using self-chosen male names and pronouns. Then I waited.

I loved her response. She said, without blinking an eye, “That’s cool.” That opened the door for a really fascinating talk about gender, sexuality, feminism, and culture. There was no judgment present, in either of us.

We continued to topics of faith and doubt, book recommendations, and invitations to dinner at one another’s homes if we ever found ourselves in the other’s city of residence.

This woman personifies the type of people I like spending time with these days. She was curious about my story and didn’t judge me or my children. She engaged the topics with me, asking questions and giving her perspective and feedback. I was able to share without getting emotional, which is sometimes hard to do when people seem uncomfortable with the situation. Her acceptance of my experience at face value allowed us room for inquiry into thoughts and ideas, which is so helpful for me as I process and try to learn and grow.

There are others in my life who provide a non-judgmental ear and are willing to participate in thinking outside of boxes and exploring concepts. I gravitate to them. They don’t tell me what to do or how to feel, but they ask probing questions and challenge me to go beyond where I am. They affirm my experience and emotions, but don’t “take sides.” They make me feel like I have time to figure out how to feel and act. They empower me to think deeply.

Being people of stories and questions, willing to take on new perspectives and hold opinions humbly, is a way people who love God can do good in the world. Listening, encouraging, and wondering together make others feel safe to share and consider the possibilities. It’s non-threatening and non-judgmental. It leaves a path open for God to work how and if he chooses, rather than taking it on oneself.

These are the kind of people that I need in my life. And these are the kind of people I hope my children find. It’s hard for them to confide in us or seek our opinions right now, so I truly desire for them to have individuals in their lives that will think they’re cool, and then engage in conversations complete with questions and challenges to go beyond where they are, but only in the context of curiosity and kindness, not judgment and certainty.