Our identity is comprised of the intersection of our thoughts, our feelings, and our actions. In an earlier post I suggested that those three need to be in equal tension in order to hold us upright. I didn’t make the connection that what they hold upright is our identity.

In this analogy, upright refers to being true, sincere, and with integrity, not to some outside standard of righteousness.

If our identity is overwhelmingly affected by our feelings, without enough critical thinking or appropriate action, that identity will not be upright. If our identity is unduly affected by overthinking, without enough emotional connection or accompanying action, our identity will not be upright. If our identity is inordinately affected by our actions without enough consideration of feelings and thought, that identity will not be upright, but rather shallow, following the direction of cultural winds.

I have struggled with an imbalanced identity by allowing extreme emotions to play too large a role. I’ve been learning in counseling that I never received adequate instruction and modeling in organizing and managing emotions.

Alternate methods of squashing my emotions or giving them too much power have both resulted in imbalance in how I see myself.

When I attempt to use logic instead of emotions, I tend to overanalyze and overthink, not allowing my emotions to inform my thinking at all.

Actions have not taken much of a role in my identity, except for actions intended to conform to the right thing based on expectations from church and faith culture.

However, actions that are chosen because they represent the truth of who I want to be, informed by my feelings and critical thinking, provide the third strand of the tension wires needed for my identity to become upright. My current journey is to find balance in these three inputs, and then make choices that reflect all of the inputs, that come together as a stronger representation of who I am, and who I choose and want to be.

Gender dysphoria represents a disparity in one’s identity. I’m not saying that any challenge I face in defining who I am is equivalent to the struggle experienced by those with gender dysphoria, however there are similarities. Finding balance through a holistic approach of critical thinking, combined with awareness of one’s feelings and beliefs, and taking action, could help determine healthy interventions for mitigating the intense feelings of imbalance underlying gender dysphoria.

One way the unequal tension between feelings, thinking, and action has caused difficulty for me is allowing emotions to take center stage. Feelings hit me when I least expect them. Just this past week, I was coming home from a counseling session, and I was in a pretty good mood. The sun was just going down, shining its cheery sideways sunshine on me as I drove. I had upbeat music playing on the radio. I thought the session had gone well, though it was a little emotional since I had shown the counselor pictures of my twins from years’ past and then current ones for comparison. My day prior to the appointment had been productive. I was feeling like I was good. I had made progress and could feel good about who I am.

After arrival at home, the sun dropped below the horizon, bringing on the early darkness of a winter evening. It was cold in the house. There was no music playing. There was a whole evening ahead of us, but no plans to fill the void of time. In my counseling session we had discussed what is most difficult for me right now. One of my realizations was that I miss having a plan. It felt like my mood shifted suddenly from good to bad, and I didn’t know why. All of these little changes had occurred, but one doesn’t always put two and two together. All I knew was that I had been feeling good, and now I was feeling unhappy and empty. I felt hopeless again.

What I needed at that moment was thought and action to challenge my feelings. In the past, though, I had attempted to suppress the feelings because they weren’t the ones I thought I should be having. I would feel guilty.

As I endeavor to relearn how to give emotions a proper place, experiencing them for what they are, I sometimes still give them too much power to define me. I do need to give them permission to happen, but on this occasion I gave in to them. This resulted in a couple hours of conflicted conversation, an unenjoyable dinner, and distress over wasting a perfectly good evening. Positively, it also resulted in the realization that all the tiny things that impact my mood sometimes come together forcefully to cause an unexpected mood shift. Since “shift” is hard for me and emotions hit me strongly, it shouldn’t surprise me that when a mood shift happens it’s going to take me a little time to adapt.

By applying a little observational thought to the present moment, quantifying the elements that played a role in the shift, and grounding myself in the reality of my whole experience, beyond the current feelings that occur unbidden by me, I can rest upon that truth. I can experience the feelings but also be conscious of the fact that the feelings aren’t me. I don’t need to suppress them but can understand that I have the power to trust all the information I know, rather than just the fleeting emotional event I’m experiencing, no matter how intense it feels. The feelings don’t define me.

No guilt. Just learning and applying. Adjusting tension to find balance. I’m committed to this for myself. I have high hopes, as well, that my children will find value in the endeavor, both within me and as they seek their own identities.