Category Archives: Emotions

Bittersweet

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We visited our old stomping grounds this week. It was good to be back among friends of times past. So good to be reminded that those friendships transcend distance and time and circumstances. I feel empowered by their care and kindness.

It’s always a surreal feeling to be back in geographical surroundings from our children’s elementary school days: entering a building downtown where our twins’ orchestra did their Christmas concerts; spending time in the homes of friends whose children played with ours; walking by the local amusement park where we celebrated the twins’ birthday one year.

So many fond memories. 

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I cried at the ball fields at the park. I cried over the loss of my girls. They were so precious playing off behind the row of parent’s chairs at every one of their big brother’s Little League games. I see them in my mind’s eye, sweet and innocent, always having each other as companion and friend. I miss those girls, the little ones they used to be, and the ones I imagined they’d become.

The tears lasted for a few minutes accompanied by words of explanation to those I was with. There’s an ongoing conflict in my heart. The loss I feel is real and can’t be pushed away and neglected. Alongside it is knowledge that no one can ever go back, and there is something important and new around the corner. Instead of just trying to be okay, I’m trying to allow myself to experience all my feelings fully. My heart contains this incongruity, feeling the pain simultaneously with hope and promise.

Nine Months

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Today the sky surrounding me is azure and clear, the heat rises to embrace my skin, and a fountain bubbles and splatters happily nearby. It’s mid-May, and here I sit and consider the past nine months. I didn’t realize the play on words and timing until just this moment – nine months.

Nineteen years ago in mid-May, I was contemplating a very different nine months: nearly nine months pregnant with twins while parenting a clever and headstrong, tow-headed two-year-old. My mind’s ramblings were full of both hopes and dreams and tiredness and impatience. My dim sleep-deprived eyes were bright with promise. Continue reading →

Don’t you want me to be happy?

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Don’t you want me to be happy? That’s a loaded question. The obvious answer is, yes! But there’s more to it than that.

When our oldest child was in elementary school, he struggled to remember to bring home his daily math homework. Many days after arriving at home, he would say, “Oh, I forgot my homework. Can you take me back to pick up my math book?” Many, many times, I did. I always wanted my kids to be successful in school, and how can you do that when you don’t do your work and turn it in on time? So, I enabled them to get the needed items, as long as the school wasn’t already closed for the day.math homework

Eventually, though, it became such a habit. I tried to implement new strategies for helping him to remember. When I dropped him off in the morning, I reminded him to remember. When I picked him up from school, I would ask, “Do you have everything you need?” Continue reading →

Virginia Beach, VA

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Our little family of four (our oldest had already flown the coop back in June 2014) took a whirlwind spring break trip starting with a brief visit to our nation’s capitol in Washington, DC.

In the middle we had a 2-½ day consultation with Dr. Mark Yarhouse, the author of the book, Understanding Gender Dysphoria,  and his team at Regent University in Virginia Beach, VA. Continue reading →

Doubt

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God, I just want to be okay.

Trust me.

I want to, but how can I when there is so much I don’t know or understand? Doubts and questions plague my mind. The more I seek to know, the more questions I unearth. The history of people who doubt is just as long as those who believe.

Without doubt, people would never have discovered how things work and how to make things better. Without doubt, belief doesn’t mean much. Don’t be afraid of doubt.

I see that we’ve progressed in our complexity and understanding, and so many things are possible now that weren’t before – cures for diseases, ways to communicate across continents and oceans, earthquake resistant building design. But things aren’t really better. People are lonely, we’ve invented new ways to kill each other, and the gods of religion remain enigmatically silent.

But I am not a god of religion. I am God, creator of the heavens and earth, in whose image you were formed. Continue reading →

Sadness

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Last night I was extra sad. And when I get sad I try to figure out if there’s something true about my sadness. As an emotional person,sadness I have learned not to trust my feelings, at least not all of the time. Though feelings just happen, they’re not always based on truth. So I try to figure out if my emotions are based on fact and try to adjust my perspective if they’re not.

I think my sadness has some truth in it, while also being impacted by other outside circumstances. Continue reading →