I struggle from moment to moment, moods changing from optimistic to dark in seconds. I planned to write a post today called “Difficult Things”. And to be sure, there are difficult things. But today was different.

Today, I woke optimistic, and actually stayed that way even as my mind left the fog of sleep behind. I realized that we don’t get to choose the challenges in our lives, but we all have challenges. And though we don’t get to choose them, we do get to choose what we do with them.

I’m choosing questioning as the approach to this conundrum of gender and how it’s hitting me in the heart. I’m not willing to accept status quo and just move forward without engaging. But I don’t want to live in an unhappy place. I need to find a way to be okay no matter what is going on around me. 

I recently read a book called The Fate of Gender, and the history it presents of fighting against stereotypes, standing up for change, and refusing to be silent strikes a chord with me. I’m right there. And then the chapters on transgenderism come, and it breaks my heart. Something’s missing, and I feel like no one sees it. So caught up in the fight, both sides move blindly forward supporting their agenda, their cause. Continue reading →

I think what really gets me about the issues of gender and sexuality is that the societal attitude and material from the American Psychological Association seem to communicate that being gay or being transgender is just who you are. You just need to embrace it. It is a defining characteristic like race or birth sex or eye color.

That seems so limiting to me. Freedom is something we Americans embrace and celebrate. But when it comes to gender and sexuality, you are dictated to by how you feel or think. It would be disingenuous to not identify as gay or transgender if that’s how you feel.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that there are genetic propensities towards issues of gender and sexuality. I’m fully aware that there are environmental stimuli and triggers. I’m fully aware that most people don’t just wake up one day and say I think I’d like to be gay. I think I’d like to be transgender. Those are not the choices to which I refer in my title. Continue reading →

It’s wrong, and I feel like I need to tell someone, anyone, everyone. But I feel like I’m screaming into a vacuum. No one can hear me. No one actually sees me. No one can do anything. And no one really cares.

I’m just supposed to be okay, as if nothing changed. And I have to be careful not to hurt anyone else. But why is it okay for me to be hurt? Who’s being careful for me? Continue reading →