Category Archives: Autobiographical

Bittersweet

Posted on by

We visited our old stomping grounds this week. It was good to be back among friends of times past. So good to be reminded that those friendships transcend distance and time and circumstances. I feel empowered by their care and kindness.

It’s always a surreal feeling to be back in geographical surroundings from our children’s elementary school days: entering a building downtown where our twins’ orchestra did their Christmas concerts; spending time in the homes of friends whose children played with ours; walking by the local amusement park where we celebrated the twins’ birthday one year.

So many fond memories. 

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

I cried at the ball fields at the park. I cried over the loss of my girls. They were so precious playing off behind the row of parent’s chairs at every one of their big brother’s Little League games. I see them in my mind’s eye, sweet and innocent, always having each other as companion and friend. I miss those girls, the little ones they used to be, and the ones I imagined they’d become.

The tears lasted for a few minutes accompanied by words of explanation to those I was with. There’s an ongoing conflict in my heart. The loss I feel is real and can’t be pushed away and neglected. Alongside it is knowledge that no one can ever go back, and there is something important and new around the corner. Instead of just trying to be okay, I’m trying to allow myself to experience all my feelings fully. My heart contains this incongruity, feeling the pain simultaneously with hope and promise.

Everything happens…

Posted on by

People often say, everything happens for a reason. They suggest that everything is caused by God. They think that we might not always know the reason, but that there always is a specific purposeful cause. I think I probably believed this idea in the past. I don’t think I do anymore.

Instead I think, everything happens, period. There are reasons why things happen, but not everything happens for a reason. Continue reading →

What Not to Do

Posted on by

At the age of 13, our younger twin wrote us a letter expressing their convictions about being transgender. This twin struggled to express themself verbally, but always had a knack for writing. So a letter was their chosen method of communicating the big news.

At that time, I was still very certain of my conservative faith and view of the world, and I believed that a faithful reading of the Bible and commitment to things of faith would solve any problem that presented itself. I just needed to be strong and faithful, and persuade others to do the same.

Were I to do that time of life over again, I think and hope I would do it much differently. A retrospective look provides some clues of things not to do:

what not to do

  • Don’t speak your opinion so readily. Rather, ask questions, ask questions, ask questions.
  • Don’t attempt to handle all the moments at once. Only deal with the one in which you currently find yourself. Don’t play out all the possible scenarios.
  • Don’t belittle the opinions and feelings of a child, even in your own mind. Don’t assume they have no idea what they’re talking about.
  • Don’t think that your way of viewing the world, life, faith….is the only valid one.
  • Don’t assume you know the results of learning before you do the learning.
  • Don’t allow your emotions to control you, but also don’t invalidate any of your emotions because they all provide perspective and are valuable and real.
  • Don’t keep everything to yourself because you’re afraid of how people will respond.

Continue reading →

Nine Months

Posted on by

Today the sky surrounding me is azure and clear, the heat rises to embrace my skin, and a fountain bubbles and splatters happily nearby. It’s mid-May, and here I sit and consider the past nine months. I didn’t realize the play on words and timing until just this moment – nine months.

Nineteen years ago in mid-May, I was contemplating a very different nine months: nearly nine months pregnant with twins while parenting a clever and headstrong, tow-headed two-year-old. My mind’s ramblings were full of both hopes and dreams and tiredness and impatience. My dim sleep-deprived eyes were bright with promise. Continue reading →

Don’t you want me to be happy?

Posted on by

Don’t you want me to be happy? That’s a loaded question. The obvious answer is, yes! But there’s more to it than that.

When our oldest child was in elementary school, he struggled to remember to bring home his daily math homework. Many days after arriving at home, he would say, “Oh, I forgot my homework. Can you take me back to pick up my math book?” Many, many times, I did. I always wanted my kids to be successful in school, and how can you do that when you don’t do your work and turn it in on time? So, I enabled them to get the needed items, as long as the school wasn’t already closed for the day.math homework

Eventually, though, it became such a habit. I tried to implement new strategies for helping him to remember. When I dropped him off in the morning, I reminded him to remember. When I picked him up from school, I would ask, “Do you have everything you need?” Continue reading →

Better me than you

Posted on by

I struggle from moment to moment, moods changing from optimistic to dark in seconds. I planned to write a post today called “Difficult Things”. And to be sure, there are difficult things. But today was different.

Today, I woke optimistic, and actually stayed that way even as my mind left the fog of sleep behind. I realized that we don’t get to choose the challenges in our lives, but we all have challenges. And though we don’t get to choose them, we do get to choose what we do with them.

I’m choosing questioning as the approach to this conundrum of gender and how it’s hitting me in the heart. I’m not willing to accept status quo and just move forward without engaging. But I don’t want to live in an unhappy place. I need to find a way to be okay no matter what is going on around me. Difficult things

I recently read a book called The Fate of Gender, and the history it presents of fighting against stereotypes, standing up for change, and refusing to be silent strikes a chord with me. I’m right there. And then the chapters on transgenderism come, and it breaks my heart. Something’s missing, and I feel like no one sees it. So caught up in the fight, both sides move blindly forward supporting their agenda, their cause. Continue reading →

Choices

Posted on by

I think what really gets me about the issues of gender and sexuality is that the societal attitude and material from the American Psychological Association seem to communicate that being gay or being transgender is just who you are. You just need to embrace it. It is a defining characteristic like race or birth sex or eye color.

That seems so limiting to me. Freedom is something we Americans embrace and celebrate. But when it comes to gender and sexuality, you are dictated to by how you feel or think. It would be disingenuous to not identify as gay or transgender if that’s how you feel.

choices 2Don’t get me wrong, I’m fully aware that there are genetic propensities towards issues of gender and sexuality. I’m fully aware that there are environmental stimuli and triggers. I’m fully aware that most people don’t just wake up one day and say I think I’d like to be gay. I think I’d like to be transgender. Those are not the choices to which I refer in my title. Continue reading →

The truth is always true

Posted on by

The night after our consultation with Dr. Yarhouse about our first twin’s gender dysphoria diagnosis, I had trouble sleeping. We had flown from Virginia across the country to visit colleges early that day, and had checked in to the third hotel of our spring break excursion. We were trying to be at peace with each other and have a good trip, while underneath there was plenty of turmoil in each of our hearts and minds.

After attempting sleep for quite a while, I moved from the bed to the couch in our little hotel suite. I didn’t want my restlessness to keep others awake, and my every move felt overwhelmingly loud to me. I wrapped up in a small, extra blanket from the hotel room closet. I was still cold, but eventually fitful sleep came. There were lots of thoughts spiraling through my brain, but ultimately one floated down through the swirling mass and settled gently at the bottom of my mind.

The truth is always true.truth

That was it. It was profound and peaceful, but also enigmatic and incomplete. The thought seemed a gift to me, not one I had consciously created, but one I had watched travel through the haze of my brain and come to rest as if summoned. That thought has provided moments of peace for me along the road of this journey. Though I can’t tell you exactly what the truth is, I believe it exists. And wherever and however it exists, it never contradicts itself. Continue reading →