“Sometimes, all you need is someone who will listen. It is fortune enough to have people around who hear you & not judge you.”
― Tara Estacaan, Internet blogger, poet, artist
I had the most wonderful flight recently. Usually I don’t prefer to chat with my fellow passengers when I fly, but this was the last of three flights in one day to get me home from a solo trip to visit my parents, and I was ready for some conversation. Continue reading
We visited our old stomping grounds this week. It was good to be back among friends of times past. So good to be reminded that those friendships transcend distance and time and circumstances. I feel empowered by their care and kindness.
It’s always a surreal feeling to be back in geographical surroundings from our children’s elementary school days: entering a building downtown where our twins’ orchestra did their Christmas concerts; spending time in the homes of friends whose children played with ours; walking by the local amusement park where we celebrated the twins’ birthday one year.
So many fond memories.
I cried at the ball fields at the park. I cried over the loss of my girls. They were so precious playing off behind the row of parent’s chairs at every one of their big brother’s Little League games. I see them in my mind’s eye, sweet and innocent, always having each other as companion and friend. I miss those girls, the little ones they used to be, and the ones I imagined they’d become.
The tears lasted for a few minutes accompanied by words of explanation to those I was with. There’s an ongoing conflict in my heart. The loss I feel is real and can’t be pushed away and neglected. Alongside it is knowledge that no one can ever go back, and there is something important and new around the corner. Instead of just trying to be okay, I’m trying to allow myself to experience all my feelings fully. My heart contains this incongruity, feeling the pain simultaneously with hope and promise.
As early as the 1500s, there was a tradition of using the day of a child’s birth to foretell their character. “Monday’s Child” is a well-known nursery rhyme from around 1838 that served that purpose and also helped young children remember the days of the week. Continue reading
People often say, everything happens for a reason. They suggest that everything is caused by God. They think that we might not always know the reason, but that there always is a specific purposeful cause. I think I probably believed this idea in the past. I don’t think I do anymore.
Instead I think, everything happens, period. There are reasons why things happen, but not everything happens for a reason. Continue reading
At the age of 13, our younger twin wrote us a letter expressing their convictions about being transgender. This twin struggled to express themself verbally, but always had a knack for writing. So a letter was their chosen method of communicating the big news.
At that time, I was still very certain of my conservative faith and view of the world, and I believed that a faithful reading of the Bible and commitment to things of faith would solve any problem that presented itself. I just needed to be strong and faithful, and persuade others to do the same.
Were I to do that time of life over again, I think and hope I would do it much differently. A retrospective look provides some clues of things not to do:
Today the sky surrounding me is azure and clear, the heat rises to embrace my skin, and a fountain bubbles and splatters happily nearby. It’s mid-May, and here I sit and consider the past nine months. I didn’t realize the play on words and timing until just this moment – nine months.
Nineteen years ago in mid-May, I was contemplating a very different nine months: nearly nine months pregnant with twins while parenting a clever and headstrong, tow-headed two-year-old. My mind’s ramblings were full of both hopes and dreams and tiredness and impatience. My dim sleep-deprived eyes were bright with promise. Continue reading
I have a small porcelain dish that used to belong to my maternal grandmother. 
It is pearlescent white with three dusty pink roses and pale green leaves on the front. It has a scalloped top edge and a short pedestal base. On the underside is a stamp of the word Germany with a golden crown above it, a G to its left, and an H to its right. Greiner & Herda, a porcelain decoration studio in Oberkotzau, Germany opened in 1886. This stamp is one of their earliest markings.
Dear church,
I’ve been inside your walls almost every Sunday since I was born. There have been Sundays that have been missed due to a vacation or family get-together. Before we had kids, we did a bit of traveling and didn’t always make it to church. And a recent summer, I took most of the summer off. But I’d say I’ve been to church around 95% of Sundays my entire life.
I have run children’s ministries; directed musical groups; sat on the leadership team; served as financial secretary and bookkeeper; led worship teams; performed in concerts; cleaned, organized, and painted; been faithful financially; and committed energy and time to the church and her people.
I speak as a part of the church, not as an outsider. I speak as someone who has given much of my life not only to my faith, but to the body of believers who share that faith.
Your heart is in the right place. You have good intentions. You believe you are doing good in the world, and to be certain, there is much good done by people of faith. Continue reading
In talking with our second twin about their choices concerning gender, I asked the question, “What do you believe is true?”
The postmodern view is that, “All truth is relative.” That’s the idea that something is true for one person but not true for another, relative to their frame of reference, language, culture, and so on, and that there is no absolute truth. Something can be true for you, and something different can be true for me. It’s all in how you see it or what you believe. Continue reading
I love diversity. I enjoy going against the grain and not conforming to people’s expectations. I’m for embracing truth within and without. I’m just not sure what the truth is regarding gender and transgenderism. I question whether the current societal and cultural narrative speaks truth and really encourages diversity and freedom.
Over many months and years of searching to find other similar voices, I have pulled together a collection of individuals who are questioning the narrative. Keep in mind that none of these sources are conservative or religious.
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